donut shop blues

Questioning life and waiting for God to give me a sign that he is still with me, I decided to take a drive. I drove down the Balboa Peninsula listening to Agnus Obel’s, Riverside, song as the lyrics spoke to me like a voice in my head,

" Down by the river by the boats
Where everybody goes to be alone
Where you won't see any rising sun
Down to the river we will run

When by the water we drink to the dregs
Look at the stones on the river bed
I can tell from your eyes
You've never been by the riverside

I thought about these lyrics for a little and thought, down by the water is where I feel like I feel him most. So I kept  driving down the peninsula searching for him up and down the streets of Balboa. Then the chorus came along,

Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep
And I don't know why I go the way
Down by the riverside

I thought the same, why do I go to the edge of the world to seek him?

When that old river runs past your eyes
To wash off the dirt on the riverside
Go to the water so very near
The river will be your eyes and ears

I realized that I go to the edge of the world to seek him because I dip my feet in the cool, brisk, deep, unknown sea because He lives in the unknown. He dwells where no one else dwells. And since I can’t fly to cloud 9, I go to the beach.

I walk to the borders on my own
Fall in the water just like a stone
Chilled to the marrow in them bones
Why do I go here all alone"

Everything was starting to make sense all from one song on a breezy, spring drive up the Peninsula. Although my mind was clearer in where I feel God the most, I still was waiting on the sign that he is still with me...

...On my way back home I saw a bright yellow sign that said NEWPORT DONUTS Open 24 Hours. So I pulled right up thinking, a donut would be delightful right now.

As I walked up to the donut shop there was a middle aged man sitting at a table. He was the only one in the small run down donut shop. He was by himself and he had a helmet with him and a bike outside. He had jagged teeth and a wife beater T on with coffee smudges. He had chest hair, grey, popping out from the tang top. His hair was a dark grey, somewhat longer and curly. It was covered with a mossy green cap set forward over his brow. He smiled at me as I walked inside. I asked the guy behind the counter for a glazed donut and some donut holes, trying to not look him in the eye with my tear stricken eyes.

"One dollar", he said. I got out my credit card because I knew I didn't have a dollar. "no cards after seven" he said before I could even pull it out of its wallet pocket.

"Um ok...hold on", I said scrambling to find four quarters. I found three, and a dime. For the life of me, I dint have another dime and nickel in my whole wallet.

"Can I just go to my car for a second and come back?", i replied not having any money and feeling like how could my night get worse. I couldn't even pay for a fricken donut that was a dollar.

"Yeah sure", he said nicely. I walked to the door...scrambled for my keys before I walked past the man at the table.

Before I could get out the door the man stopped me, "mamm, how many quarters are in your hand?", at this instant I'm thinking oh great this homeless man wants my three quarters doesn't he. He sees it and so he thinks I will give it to him if he asks....

"Um....three quarters", I replied. "Here, stay here I'll give you a quarter", he said as he got up from his chair and limped over to the counter. He not only gave a dollar to the man, but he also rejected the three quarters that I tried to put into his hands....

"You have a nice night 'mamm", and he walked out, got on his bike and road down Newport Boulevard.

As I was driving back with an enormous smile on my face, in a distance I saw the man down far yonder riding away; I thought to myself, who is this man? And then I knew......

He was my sign.